Intimacy, Relationships, and Life with an Ostomy

Intimacy and relationships are often one of the biggest unspoken fears after ostomy surgery. It is not always about physical intimacy either. It is about closeness, vulnerability, confidence, and feeling comfortable in your own body again.

When I first woke up with an ostomy, believe it or not, my focus was not immediately on intimacy or relationships. I was concerned with getting out of the hospital and heading to California for an event I had already committed to. That was my mindset at the time. I was in survival mode, focused on logistics, recovery, and forward motion.

It was really the second day that things started to settle in. The nurse came in to change my bag for the very first time. John left the room, and in that quiet moment, my thoughts went somewhere I did not expect. I remember thinking, oh no, he thinks I am ugly. He thinks I smell. He does not want to see this.

What I did not realize in that moment was that he was giving me privacy. He was being respectful. That disconnect between what I was thinking and what was actually happening was powerful. It reminded me how quickly our minds can fill in gaps when we are feeling vulnerable.

Thankfully, John and I know how to communicate. And by that, I mean truly communicate. Sharing our feelings honestly, even when they are emotional, but doing so in a grounded and respectful way. When I shared what I was thinking, we talked it through. That conversation mattered more than I realized at the time.

When we were ready to be intimate again, it was not rushed. It was not assumed. It was a conversation. Are you sure. Let’s figure this out together. If anything hurts, you tell me. That was the energy. It was not about getting back to how things were. It was about finding our rhythm again.

That experience taught me something important. Intimacy evolves. It does not disappear. It becomes rooted in trust, communication, and patience.

For those who are married or in long term relationships, communication becomes everything. It does not have to be a big dramatic conversation. Sometimes it is simply sharing what you are feeling in real time. Sometimes it is saying, I am still figuring this out. Honest communication creates connection. It brings people closer rather than pushing them away.

For those who are dating or thinking about dating, there is often fear around when to share or how much to say. There is no right timeline. Some people share early. Some people wait. What matters is that you choose what feels right for you. An ostomy does not define your worth or your ability to be loved.

Body confidence takes time. Your body has been through something significant. Learning to reconnect with it is a process. Confidence does not come from pretending nothing changed. It comes from accepting that something did, and that you are still whole.

Physical intimacy may feel different at first, and that is okay. There are ways to feel comfortable and supported again. Covers, clothing choices, positioning, and most importantly communication all play a role. Over time, what once felt awkward begins to feel natural.

What surprised me the most is that intimacy became deeper, not smaller. It became rooted in trust, honesty, and emotional connection. That kind of intimacy is strong.

If you are in the early days, please know this. You are adjusting. And relationships can absolutely thrive after ostomy surgery.